Pain
by demonchilde
Summary: ~*~*Fifth Chapter added!!!*~*~
1. Default Chapter

This will not be posted anywhere

Disclaimer: Nope, Profiler don't belong to me…sucks though, doesn't it? J 

As you might have noticed, I took off the previous version of 'Pain'. One reason is because I wasn't certain if FF.Net automatically bumped up a story with a new chapter added to the top of the list. Another reason was because I felt like it. Any songs are the property of their writers/bands, and I would like to thank Sammikatt1 for some info. she generously provided me with, thanks amiga. J 

Pain. 

That's all I feel when I look at those two together, talking in his office or at a crime scene.

They think the rest of us can't see what's developing between them, but they're wrong. I see what's going on, and I guess I should have always known.

I blew my one and only chance at true happiness a few years ago, so I guess I shouldn't complain…but I can't help myself. Could you? Could you be happy when the chance of a lifetime slips through your fingers? Yeah, I thought not. Unfortunately, neither can I. I wallow in my self-pity every single chance I get, hiding my true feelings for her behind my nearly indestructible wall of sarcasm, even though I can barely stand doing so.

Every day I don't tell her is another day of hell for me. I don't know if I can take it anymore…

Both of them come out of his office with smiles on their faces, and I look on emotionlessly as they call everyone together to announce…_their engagement._

I gasp, feeling that word twist in my heart like one of Jack's knives, and one by one everyone offers their congratulations. Getting a hold of myself, I plaster on a happy face and congratulate them also as I decide to leave, walking towards the elevator doors.

As soon as they close shut behind me, I put my head in my hands, wondering what went wrong.


	2. Agony

You know it, I know it, everyone knows it. I don't own Profiler, but damn I wish I did. Yes, I know it's short. Sorry about that.

Also, if you are a John fan, you may want to turn back now. This series will most definitely not be portraying him in a positive light. Don't flame me because you didn't turn back when warned.

And now, on with the show…

Agony

"…Blank stare

Disrepair

There's a big black hole

Gonna eat me up someday

Someday 

Fades away

Like a memory 

Or a place where you wanna be

Someplace

Lost in space…"

I down one of the many Heinekens I have in my fridge as Trent Reznor howls through my radio.

Sam. Bailey. Engaged to be married.

I try to make these thoughts disappear, to think of something else, but nothing seems to help. Not even thinking of other women whom I'd like to take a roll in the hay with. All I see are those baby blue eyes…

Shaking my head I come out of my reverie to obey the angry rumbling of my stomach. Walking into my kitchen I glance up at the clock.

7:30

Opening the door, I grab the first thing I see –a box of Chinese food, Pork fried rice to be exact- and some of her first words to me begin to echo through my mind…

__

"You want a theory? You've got Chinese food in your refrigerator. You like your women in heels, your Scotch straight and yourself definitely on top. But it's just a theory."

Shaking my head again, I open the box and sniff, hurriedly pulling my nose out of it when I realize that it's gone bad.

"Goddamn it," I hiss, tossing it into the garbage. Scowling, I begin to hunt for my keys, and when I find them I pick up the phone and make a take out order for…more Chinese food. They don't have a Bean Boy Burger joint down here, so I have to do with what I've got.

As I walk to my car, a nasty thought begins to form in my head.

****

For once John, do what YOU want to do…and screw THEM…it's time for YOU to have some fun for once…

"It is, isn't it?" I murmur softly. "It is indeed." Of course, my conscience tries to get some words in, but for once I don't listen. I'm tired of listening to people telling me what to do every minute of the day, telling me how to act. Why couldn't I do what I wanted to do for once?

Dark thoughts began to rise unbidden in my head, just to be replaced by more of the same, and I smiled as this time my conscience didn't even try to interfere. Jack didn't have a chance in Hell of getting Sam, but maybe I did…


	3. Lust

Hey there, how's it goin'

Hey there, how's it goin'? LOL, I'm in a good mood today. J This part is slightly darker than the last, and like I said in 'Agony', John isn't behaving himself like he should, so if you're a John fan, you may not want to read this. Profiler don't belong to my scrawny little ass.

Lust

****

How do I do it?

Popping in SlipKnot's 'Iowa' CD, I ponder this and more as I sit down to eat my Pork Fried Rice and Chicken Fingers.

****

Sam is guarded just as heavily as Fort Knox is, and knowing Bailey, if anything did happen to her, he'd be on my ass faster than Garfield on a pan of hot Lasagna.

So how do I do it?

Should I make it look as if Jack's behind it all? I mean, it's not as if I don't know that bastard's M.O. by now. Maybe I'll practice his technique once or twice, just to see if I get it right.

What if Jack finds out? Won't he be just as pissed as Bailey is, if not more?

Maybe, maybe. But Bailey will almost certainly think it's Jack, right from the get-go. The only real problem would be fooling Grace. She's damn good at her job, and she wouldn't be if she assumed all the time.

"Relax…It's over

You belong to me

I fill your mouth with dirt

Relax…It's over

You can never leave

I take your second digit with me

…Love…"

****

Ah, SlipKnot. Most people would think this song depressing, but not I. This is my favorite song on the whole damn CD, next to 'Skin Ticket'. But that's a whole 'nether story.

"You are…my first

I can barely breathe

I find you fascinating

You are…my favorite

Lay you down to sleep

It's all that I can do to stop

…Love…"

****

It's true, Sam. You captivate me. You always have. Most of the women I knew before you were brainless fools, where the only thing they had going for them was the size of their tits and ass. Not you, though. You have got to be the most intelligent women I have ever known, ever had the pleasure of knowing.

"So blue…so broken

Paper doll decays

I haven't left you yet

So cold…subversive

Your eyes are full of bleach

Tomorrow I will go away again

…Love…"

I remember the look on your face when we found Coop in the back of that ambulance after Jack and Jill had finished their kill-

-Hey, that rhymes! -

-And I remember wanting to hold you tightly in my arms and never letting you go. You looked, for all intensive purposes, like a deer caught between two sets of headlights with nowhere to go, nowhere to escape to. I only wish Jack had actually been there, however. I would have loved to see the look on his face as I turned the tables on him.

"YOU ARE MINE!

YOU WILL ALWAYS BE MINE!

I CAN TEAR YOU APART

I CAN RECOMBINE YOU

ALL I WANT IS TO COVET YOU ALL

YOU BELONG TO ME

I WILL KILL YOU TO LOVE YOU!!!"

****

When I finally do make my move on you, Sam, I hope it doesn't come to that.


	4. Hatred

Here's the fourth chapter in the 'Pain' series…enjoy

Here's the fourth chapter in the 'Pain' series…enjoy. If you don't like song fics, you'd better not read this chapter, 'cause that's basically what it is.

Hatred

****

In a few hours I've gone from being a respected and well liked FBI Agent to still being a well respected Agent with nothing but hate inside myself, nothing but cold fury and rage for the one man I respected and damn near thought of as kind of a father figure to me; Bailey Malone.

How could I have been fooled so badly? How the Hell did it happen? I didn't even see it coming, and then they decide to hit me with this news? Nailed me like a freight train during rush hour.

Rain comes down on my rooftop, the steady sound of it almost lulling me to sleep at my kitchen table. Sighing, I begin to clear the table and throw the dishes with the rest of them in the sink, which, by the way, is starting to pile up.

"Gonna have to do those tomorrow," I mutter as I head to the couch and plop myself down on it, just barely hearing the lyrics to the song that was currently playing on my CD player.

"And we hide behind

Lies, anger, hate they shoo love away

Build shells of ourselves outside

It shelters body from cold reigns of reality…"

****

Perfect description of myself, I think drowsily.

"…Come on, step out, of your rind, assemble strength! Focus…

…Release and run to me 

You can never look back

To the visions from the past 

They fade away and wilt in time

You've got to just trust me to hold your hand through

Then I turn and walk away…"

****

Maybe I SHOULD make Bailey's death look like an accident. 'Oh, sorry Sam, my gun…it misfired…I don't know how it happened…'

"…Eclipse you

And bleed you, strip you of your states of ain soph aur

Eclipse you,

I spit up on my plate and I push everything away

From me

And we sever all ties

It creates disruption midst circle of friends

I become the sacrifice

Spare your life and leave me to my misery…"

****

Yeah, I didn't see either of you asking me about what I thought of you getting hitched, but I'm almost positive Sam mentioned something to Grace about it before making that general announcement, and as for you Bailey…well who gives a fuck, really.

"Get off the cross

And save yourself

Run away

It'll be okay!

(Run away) Run now get away from me (and don't look back) if I can get my grip I'll pull you (Don't ask for help) down into the Hell I call my head you'll never get away

(Get off the cross) I sit down in my ugly place (and save your self) and build walls out of fragments from my past of all the people that I needed and loved that walked away

You've got to just trust me to hold your hand through then I'll turn and walk away…"

"That's right Bailey…I'll walk away as your blood begins to pool on the floor…"

"I walk under clouds of gray

Sphere of storms in my head

I'm trapped again in endless rain...

I divorce the thoughts of you in love with me,

I divorce your innocence and my guilt,

I divorce the lying sellout confidence,

I'm divorcing every mother fuckin' thing,

I divorce the love bled meaningless,

I divorce the makeshift harmony,

I divorce the taunting acts of violence,

I divorce the pastime of jealousy,

I divorce control,

I divorce the faith,

I divorce the virtue,

I divorce the rain,

I divorce the excuse, 

I divorce the greed,

I divorce the need,

I divorce iniquity in this mother fuckin' bullshit life,

Just want it all to go away,

Just want to run away to die, take it, myself, my life,

Text book fucking mental, off me and pitch me in a hole!

In this mother fuckin bullshit life

In this fuckin' bullshit life…"

****

Yeah, Sam will probably say that I'm off my fucking rocker if I ever get caught. But since I am, in a way, cleansing myself of all the shit that no longer matters to me, it, well, doesn't matter.

"I'll always be your shadow

And veil your eyes from states of ain soph aur

I can't be the hero anymore

I spit up on my plate and then I turn and walk away

I spit up on my plate and I disrupt the family

I spit up on my plate as I sever the unity

And I feel your warm sun on my face

Separate, separate, separate, SEPARATE!"

****

I'm sorry Sam…but I gotta do what I gotta do. If it means getting rid of Bailey to make you see you're making the biggest mistake of your life, then God damn it, that's what I'm going to do…

"…Eclipse you

And bleed you, strip you, of your states of ain soph aur

Eclipse you,

I spit up on my plate and I push everything away

From me

Eclipse you

And bleed you, strip you, of your states of ain soph aur

Eclipse you,

It's always been this way

Push everything away

From me

Eclipse you

And bleed you, strip you, of your states of ain soph aur

Eclipse you,

I spit up on my plate and I push everything…

Oddly enough, I fall asleep with a smile on my face. I haven't done that in awhile…


	5. Nothing

* Clears her throat * This chapter can be overlooked if you're reading this story, seeing as how it's my own personal views on what's been happening' the past couple of weeks, but in John's P

* Clears her throat * This chapter can be overlooked if you're reading this story, seeing as how it's my own personal views on what's been happening' the past couple of weeks, but in John's P.O.V. You wanna know what I think? Read on…

Nothing

Morning and it's my day off.

For the first time in my life, I don't feel anything. No emotion right now is flowing through me, no righteous fury to go after those punk motherfucks that decided they were gonna try to mess with America and blow up the World Trade Center Towers (The Taliban and Osama bit off a HELL of a lot more then they can chew, if you ask me, and they'll end up choking themselves to death on it within a few months, of course, but not without a little help,) No love for Sam, or myself, no hate for Bailey.

Nothing at all.

Is this what it feels like, not to have a conscience? To be a sociopath? The next time I get an opportunity to talk with Jack if he doesn't kill me first I'll have to ask him.

I don't bother turning on the news. All that's going to be on there are the smoldering ruins of those two buildings, with hundreds –if not thousands- of rescue workers trying their hardest to find someone that's attempting to dig their way out of the ruins, trying to find any sign of life.

I wish them the best of luck, but hope is growing dim.

The death toll has climbed to around 6,000 people. I have to wonder if Osama's laughing his ass off about the whole thing, doing a little happy dance in front of his brainwashed worshippers and thumbing his nose at us, saying, basically, 'I told you so! Nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah-NYAH!!!' I'm almost positive he is. I find it funny though, that he can't even seem to hold onto people in his own country for support, instead pleading with the Pakistanis to help him fight against our armed forces. Shows you how much he has going for him. Personally, I would die for the chance to see him roasted slowly over a nice warm fire.

Was that an emotion? I smile. I think that was.

I think that was vengeance.

I think of that letter Osama wrote to a media outlet a couple of days ago, and my smile turns into a smirk.

You'd better hope Allah's gonna help you crush us 'infidels', asshole, 'cause you sure as hell won't be able to do it by yourself and 50,000 of your half-baked followers.

We'll see you soon.

A/N: It's scary, isn't it…If I was over there (Afghanistan) and I was sayin' the stuff I am now, my ass would be treated to a nice messy public execution with all the fixin's! Ah, to be hated… J 


End file.
